


In another life

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, M/M, Mundane Alec (kind of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 03:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12050397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Magnus angers the Seelie Queen and she decides to enact a cruel revenge on the one he holds most dear





	1. Chapter 1

****

"You will pay for your betrayal Warlock," The Queen said, a calm rage emanating from her.

Magnus locked his jaw and stood firm, he may be a sole Warlock in the middle of the Seelie Court, but he would not be intimidated, "You're hardly one to talk about betrayal…..your majesty," the undeserving title added as an afterthought with an over the top bow.

"Clearly you've been spending too much time with Shadowhunters …." she said, voice souring on the word, knowing she would hit a nerve.

"This is nothing to do with Alec," he seethed, knowing full well what she was really getting at.

"Really?" the Queen said, a wicked plan brewing in her mind. "Well then, if you truly don't need him in your life anymore, you won't mind if keep him ….occupied."

" ** _Don't_** touch him," Magnus warned, eyes shifting, fully prepared to take on the whole room if he had to.

"Oh, don't worry dear boy," she smiled, reminding Magnus of her superior age…and power, "I won't touch a hair on his pretty little head."

Magnus covered his eyes with his arm as a flash of blinding white light filled the room. He had to blink several times to re-adjust to the almost pitch dark of the dive bar he now stood in.

"What can I get you?" a familiar voice said from across the bar.

Looking up he was greeted by a smile he hadn't earned in quite some time, "Drink….do you want one?" Magnus registered that the words were being spoken slower this time, clearly not the first time the question had been asked.

"Alexander?" He questioned, "what's going on here?" Magnus rested his hands on the bar and sat down slowly.

"Like, what….today…. or in general?" Alec smiled, mind pre-occupied and not catching the stranger's drift. Magnus watched in confusion as Alec wiped the bar and hung the wash cloth over his arm.

His rune free arm Magnus noted. What the hell had the Queen done? Why doesn't he know me?

"So, am I getting you a drink or what?" Alec said, both hands resting on the bar as he stood in front of Magnus, "or have you maybe had enough?….. Don't take this wrong but you seem a little out of it."

"Ugh, ….yes…..I think perhaps it _is_ time for me leave," Magnus agreed, wanting to get to the bottom of what was going on but also not wanting to leave Alec there when something was so clearly wrong.

"Ok, well, can I call you a cab?" Alec asked,

"No…. thank you. I can manage," Magnus replied absent-mindedly, he had a feeling that _"a portal is faster."_ probably wouldn't help this scenario.

"Ok, well…. take it easy," Alec said as he turned away, "oh hey wait," he paused fixing Magnus a look which had him hoping that the effects of the Seelie Queen's little game had worn off. Alec's next words making his heart sink.

"How did you know my name?"

"Just a lucky guess… I suppose," Magnus smiled sadly,

"Very _specific_ lucky guess," Alec said, not buying it. Hadn't he told people he didn't need anyone setting him up on blind dates anymore! Not that he minded if the man in front of him was the result. There was a strange familiarity that Alec couldn't place…. must have been in the bar before he assumed.

"Anyway, no need to be so formal next time…" he stepped out from behind the bar with a beaming smile and extended his hand. "I'm Alec."

Magnus took Alec's hand, "Magnus." he smiled back. He conjured up the memory of the first time they had introduced themselves, trying to push it through to Alec's mind but he was met with an unrelenting resistance.

"Ok, well," Alec stepped back, shaking his head slightly, feeling strange all of a sudden, "don't be a stranger."

Magnus pushed the door open, taking one last look, he whispered, "I'll try, Alexander, I'll try…."


	2. Chapter 2

****

"Oh... Jace...Isabelle, please tell me you're still you?" Magnus exclaimed as he rushed towards them through the Institute.

"We might all be mindless operatives of the Clave Magnus but we're not completely interchangeable just yet," Jace replied, bitter on Alec's behalf.

Magnus raised an eyebrow but swallowed down his reply. He deserved that and besides, there were more important matters at play.

"Alec's not here Magnus," Izzy explained kindly, kicking Magnus when he was down wasn't going to help anyone and he was clearly upset by something, "I haven't seem him all day actually, which is kind of odd."

"You have no idea," Magnus said, eyes betraying his calm exterior "we need to talk,"

X X X

"So, let me get this straight, _**you**_ piss of the Seelie Queen and **my** brother pays the price...nice Magnus, real nice."

"Jace..." Izzy warned, as Magnus uncharacteristically backed down, this was taking it's toll on the Warlock. Jace caught Izzy's eyes and raised his hands in a "I surrender" gesture,

"So ….he has no idea who you are? Who any of us are?" Clary asked,

"Well, I didn't really stop to ask his life story..." Magnus retorted, his snarkiness rearing it's head in his frustration.

Throwing her a small smile in apology he added, "I don't know...all I know is that he didn't know **me**. Now I don't know if it's **just** me, as some sort of punishment, or if the Queen took everything. His runes were gone so it's likely that he doesn't know anything about our world...but as I couldn't very well ask without him thinking I was a crazy person I …..."

"No, you did the right thing, coming here." Izzy consoled, putting a hand on his shoulder, "we'll figure this out."

"What do we tell the Clave?" Jace asked, watching Magnus' expression sour, "Look, I don't want to involve them in this anymore than you do Magnus but the Head of the Institute taking a sabbatical to tend bar isn't exactly something we can hide forever... People are already asking where he is"

"Jace is right," Clary agreed, "we can only cover for so long."

"Well, let's assess the damage first," Izzy mused, "tonight... we'll all head to this bar. See who he recognises and who he doesn't. Figure it out from there..."

"I'll reach out to some friends of mine, see if they can offer any assistance," Magnus said standing to leave.

"I don't know about that," Jace said, "Alec isn't himself right now, if word gets out that he's out there like this...he can't protect himself …. I don't want him to get hurt Magnus."

"Then that makes two of us," Magnus answered, calling back on an old conversation they'd shared, "I'll only speak to people I trust. I **know** that we're still at war, but there is nothing more important to me than his safety...I assure you."

Magnus paused to take a breath as he stood in the corridor, his own words repeating in his mind. He sighed as realisation finally dawned on him... he would never be able to truly walk away from Alec, no matter what he told himself.

This is the kind of conflict he had so desperately wanted to avoid but here he was again, torn between his people and the man he loved... no matter the distance he put between them, he would always be pulled back in.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, it's Magnus right?" Alec said nonchalantly, as if he hadn't memorised everything about Magnus before he'd left that afternoon, "and you bought some friends," he added, hoping his disappointment wasn't obvious.

'Get over yourself Alec' he told himself, 'he's not here for you.'

"Don't they ever let you go home?" Magnus joked, phishing for information, taken aback again at the sight of Alec before him. Unaware of the predicament he found himself in, Alec was so much lighter, no duties resting heavily on his shoulders.

"I live upstairs," Alec said before he could catch himself. Since when he did share that kind of information with someone he barely even knew. "What can I get you guys," he asked, quickly recovering, feeling uneasy under the watchful gaze of Magnus' friends.

'Maybe they've come to check if you're date worthy,' he thought to himself, 'maybe not'... his mind changed as he caught the blond's glare.

"Well, I guess that answers that question," Jace said to the group, watching as his brother worked in front of him, with no recollection at all.

Three rounds and 21 questions later and Alec had ended up telling them where he grew up, who his favourite high school teacher was and rather bizarrely that he liked to sleep on the right side of the bed...how they got that kind of information when they were the ones drinking not him he didn't know.

"Well, the Queen did a good job on the back-story," Clary whispered just out of Alec's earshot,

"He has no idea who we are," Izzy said sadly, "what are we going to do?"

"I got a call from Catarina just before we arrived," Magnus leaned in, "this type of enchantment is rare and requires an inordinate amount of magic, but for someone of the Queen's power, it's just another everyday spell. As much magic as I have, I can't match that."

He cast a forlorn look in Alec's direction, painting on a fake smile as Alec caught his eye, holding it a little longer than was really necessary.

"You're saying there's nothing we can do?" Jace asked, "we just have to hope the Queen has a personality transplant and brings him back?"

"Well there is...no...it's not possible," Magnus started to explain but stopped himself, no point stirring up false hope.

"What?" the three Shadowhunters asked eagerly,

"Well, there is one small, and I mean small chance that he …..might break the enchantment on his own... but with a fabrication like this, by someone so powerful, it's unlikely, which is why I hesitated to mention it. For Alexander to remember on his own, his connection to his old life would have to be more powerful than the one he's living in now, he would have to want to remember..."

"How he is supposed to want to remember something he doesn't know exists?" Clary asked, almost tripping over the complexity,

"And there in lies the problem," Magnus sighed. Alec's new life at first glance was far superior to the one he had left behind, enticing him back home, to a life that constantly took from him the only things he wanted would be easier said than done.


	4. Chapter 4

Magnus quickly became a regular in the bar, keeping a not so subtle eye on the Shadowhunter from a table that had quickly become his second home.

"Why don't you just ask him out?" Alec's friend, that Magnus vaguely recalled as Emma, said, nudging Alec in the shoulder. Alec looked up and caught Magnus' eye before dropping it embarrassed. Alec didn't know that Magnus was using his magic to eavesdrop, but he felt the blush rising in his face all the same.

"Yeah right Em," Alec breathed low, "is there room for two in this parallel universe you've created."

Magnus almost scoffed at the irony of Alec's question but schooled his face to behave as he nursed his cocktail.

"Come on Alec, look at him. Do you really think that someone that looks as good as him, not to mention drinks cocktails at noon, comes to this crappy dive because he likes the ambience..." her eyes casting a disparaging look around at the dilapidated décor.

"Who knows why he comes here?" Alec said, busying himself behind the bar, "but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that the Magnus Bane's of this world are way out of my league."

Magnus knocked his glass over as a bolt of angry energy released itself unaided from his hand. Did Alec really think that? Had he always thought that? Had Magnus walking away from him that day realised a fear that Alec had never spoken aloud.

"Got you another," Alec smiled as he placed Magnus' signature cocktail on the table, "on the house," he added waving off the hand that was heading to Magnus' pocket.

"Are you ok?" Magnus asked, gesturing for Alec to sit,

"I'm not really supposed to," Alec refused politely, "Ah screw it," he said taking the seat opposite from him, feeling a burning need to break the rules. The bar was practically empty, what harm would it do.

"You don't seem yourself today," Magnus continued,

"Oh yeah," Alec teased, relaxing in his seat, "you know me that well huh?"

Magnus opened his mouth to speak, so many answers on his tongue but none he could say.

"I'm fine," Alec said breaking the tension, "just got a few things on my mind... I told you I live upstairs right... well the guy that owns this place is selling up, so I got to find a new job, apartment, hasn't been the best week, but I'll manage..."

"Oh Alexander, I'm sorry..." Magnus drew his hand back at the last second, realising that he had been about to reach out.

Alec cocked an eyebrow at the use of his full name again. He usually hated it but from Magnus, somehow it just felt right. Magnus caught the look on Alec's face and misread it, 'ok, maybe dial back on the Alexander,' he thought to himself. They wanted to trigger Alec's memory but they couldn't rush things.

"Well, as it happens there's actually a vacant apartment in my building" 'or there will be once I work some magic'... "what?" Magnus stopped as Alec just leaned back and laughed in response to the offer.

"Sorry," he smiled, "I just ….. I'm flattered that you think I could afford to live in your apartment building... thanks really but um, I think I should set my sights a little lower."

An intense burning ignited in Magnus' chest as he listened to Alec talk about himself that way again. He hated it.

"You should never settle for anything less than you deserve, Alec" he said, his words holding a deeper meaning. "and as it happens, I own the building, so I control the rent and for you... I could …."

"Magnus... I appreciate it really," Alec said standing, "but you barely even know me so..."

Magnus took Alec gently by the wrist to stop him from walking away, a spark of something coursing through them both on contact. A faint glimmer of recognition entering Alec's eyes. Alec drew his hand away uncomfortable, this all felt so strange, but also so right.

"I should get back to work." he said gesturing to the bar and leaving without a reply.

X X X

Magnus didn't return to the bar for a few days, Warlock business and a fear that Alec might not want to see him keeping him away. Instead he sent some of his most trusted Warlocks to keep an eye on Alec and report back.

Magnus was surprised to see his caller ID light up with the name Alexander, he didn't remember giving Alec his number, not in this incarnation anyway. Was this a sign?

"Hello Alec." he said as he answered the call,

"How did you know it was me"?

"Caller ID is a marvel..."

"You don't have my number," Alec stated, "and... I don't have yours but somehow it was in my phone..."

"My friend's must have added it when you weren't looking" Magnus covered badly, brushing over how he had Alec's number "they do like to meddle. Is that what you called for, to check I wasn't stalking you?"

"Um...no actually, I was hoping that maybe that offer for the apartment might still be open, I know I was ungrateful before but..."

"No explanation needed," Magnus said, silently thanking every deity he knew, "I'll send you the address. Meet me there at 1?"

"Yeah, great thanks. Bye Magnus,"

"Bye, Alec," Magnus placed his phone on the bookshelf and clapped his hands together to ignite his magic. "Right, one apartment coming up..."


	5. Chapter 5

"Oh crap, sorry," Alec exclaimed reaching out instinctively to take the elbow of whoever he had run into, steadying them both as the boxes he'd piled precariously in front of his face fell to the floor.

Looking up he came face to face with Magnus' eyes, the sight of them so close to him turning his stomach upside down. Alec flushed and pulled his arm back embarrassed, Magnus must be able to tell what he did to him. Casting his eyes down he dropped to one knee to gather his things, he didn't have much to bring over from his old apartment so he'd figured he'd do it one trip, he was regretting that now at the mess he'd made.

"You like to read?" Magnus asked as he helped refill the boxes with Alec's books.

"When I have time... which I suppose I'll have more of now," he added wistfully, "no job yet," he explained as Magnus gave him a look, "but don't worry, I can still make the rent."

Magnus smiled to himself, if the Seelie Queen had intended to push them apart with her deception her plan was failing, as every day it bought a new opportunity for Magnus to ingratiate himself into Alec's life. He had relented in calling him Alexander after their last encounter, it only ever earned him a confused look and he found it easier that way to separate this new version of Alec from the one he knew and loved.

"Well, it just so happens that I'm in need of a new bartender at Pandemonium," Magnus smiled in an elegant stretch of the truth. He picked up one of Alec's boxes and they walked to the elevator in sync.

"Are you messing with me now?" Alec laughed in disbelief,

"I would never," Magnus said placing a hand to his heart in mock horror,

"Really?" Alec asked as they exited the elevator and stopped at his door, "I'm a stranger, you've already given me a place to live practically rent free and now you're offering me a job too? Are there hidden cameras in here?" he joked as he pushed open his door.

Magnus' faltered a bit as Alec highlighted that he was a stranger, that feeling was never lost on Magnus but hearing it said out loud was a different matter. He wanted so much to see Alexander when he looked into his eyes, but a stranger just looked back at him instead.

Magnus knocked the feeling back and laughed as Alec placed his box down just inside the door, "You need to learn to accept good things when they happen Alec," Magnus smiled placing down his box too, hoping the advice would penetrate the magic closing Alec off from him and reach it's intended target.

"Is that just a polite way to say don't be so uptight?" Alec laughed, hands fumbling in his pockets.

"I would hardly call you that," Magnus laughed, genuine this time. Uptight was the last thing this version of Alec was, he had scarcely seen him so loose and carefree before. The sight of it actually made his heart ache a little.

"Yeah, my brother would disagree with you," Alec joked, grabbing a glass of water and holding a second glass out to Magnus in offering.

"To us" Magnus said, clinking Alec's glass..."Your brother"? Magnus continued when Alec showed no sign of understanding.

"No," Alec stalled confused, "I uh... I don't have a brother... I don't know why I said that," he muttered more to himself than to Magnus. "Oh... I uh... think you dropped this downstairs," he said holding out a small fabric object to Magnus. Deflection was one of his go to tactics when he didn't want to talk about something.

The look of unrestrained relief on Magnus' face as he passed the item over made Alec's heart leap. Clearly this was something precious, whatever it was.

"Thank you Alexander," Alec heard, half remembered, as Magnus' fingers grazed his, "Thank you," Magnus repeated, he could see that Alec had spaced out for a second and could only hope that it meant what he thought it did. "I'd be devastated if I lost this."

"Luck and protection," Alec muttered, "that's what it's for …..right?" He had no idea how he knew that but somehow he did.

Magnus smiled in acknowledgement unable to speak for the emotion that was coursing through him. Alec was remembering... remembering him.

"So... about the job," Magnus asked, changing tack and leaving it open for Alec to respond,

"You're serious?"

"Rarely," Magnus smirked with a wink, "but in this instance, yes."

"Well, yeah... I'd be crazy to turn you down... Thanks again... I _seriously_ owe you." Alec said, voice brimming with gratitude. He didn't know what he done to be lucky enough to have Magnus fall into his life, but he wasn't complaining.

"Well then, Welcome to the Pandemonium family Mr. Lightwood," Magnus said, his hand outstretched in mock formality.

"It's an honour Mr. Bane," Alec joked back, freezing as his hand closed in Magnus' and the room started to change around him.

He was in a place that was strange yet familiar at the same time, The Downworld Council, his brain informed him, not that he knew what that meant. Magnus stood in front of him, hand in hand with him still. Alec opened his mouth to ask a question but the vision faded as quickly as it had emerged.

Magnus caught the change in Alec's demeanour but knew better than to acknowledge it. He needed to let the memories come back naturally, forcing them could overwhelm Alec's mind and he could lose him in a completely different and irreversible way.

"You can start tomorrow," Magnus said withdrawing his hand and walking to Alec's door. He stopped in the hall for a second. Waving his hand he turned the wall to glass for the briefest of moments to take one last look. Alwc was so at ease as he milled around his loft unpacking, lighter and at peace. Magnus wanted Alexander back so badly but he also wished that in some small way that this part of Alec could stay as well. The best of both world's as the saying went... but he knew that for so many reason, that could never happen


	6. Chapter 6

Alec had moved into Magnus' building about a week ago, not that he could really call it moving when all he had to his name was those few boxes of books and a duffel bag of dark t-shirts and some cargo pants to his name. Most of the shirts were green for some reason that Alec didn't fully comprehend.

"Yeah I'm coming, one sec." he called to the unknown visitor knocking on his door, pulling on a pair of pants and trying not to fall on his way to the door. "Magnus, hey, sorry, was just getting out of the shower...Magnus?" he repeated when Magnus didn't respond.

Snapping himself back to reality Magnus stepped into the apartment which was an almost carbon copy of his own. He'd hoped the familiarity would help Alec find his way back to them...back to him.

Rummaging through his bag to find a clean shirt Alec called over his shoulder, "You uh, need something?" He had never been shy about showing his body before, he knew objectively that he was attractive, but felt a strange scrutiny coming from Magnus' gaze.

As grateful as he was to see Alec shirtless again, it was the lack of runes that had him captivated this time more than his physique. "Just came to see how you were settling in," Magnus said, averting his gaze when he knew he'd been caught, "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, yeah," Alec said pulling the shirt over his head, "the apartment is great. I can't thank you enough Magnus, really... you saved my life. I owe you big time."

 _'You owe me nothing"_ Magnus wanted to say but knew he couldn't. Alec's memory loss aside, that was a conversation that neither of them were in a position to have. When they had parted last Magnus had been closing Alec out, figuratively and literally, he winced as he remembered closing the door in Alec's face. It had been for the best …..

"Are you uh, are you sure I can't pay you more for this place, or I don't know, lend a hand with maintenance or something. I mean this is more than I imagined when you said you had an empty apartment...and the job too..." Alec stammered, overcome by a nervous energy.

"All I need is for you to enjoy the space, it was going to waste before, and knowing that it's being used by someone that needs it is enough for me." ...Ok, so none of that was strictly true but it was close enough.

"Well, thanks...again. I'd uh, offer you a drink but I'm off the clock" Alec joked.

"That's fine, I really only came to see how you were settling in." Magnus smiled, "and to let you know that if you ever need anything. I'm just upstairs...for anything."

There was a heavier messaged laced within those words and Alec could feel it, he just didn't know how to process it. Ever since he'd seen Magnus that first day in the bar, his whole world had been slightly off kilter. Nothing felt right but then again, _everything_ felt right...he couldn't explain it.

"I'll see myself out," Magnus smiled backing away, "just remember..."

"You're upstairs,"

 _'Believe me, I don't need anything else to remind me about but you being right upstairs.'_ he thought. He'd hardly slept since he'd moved in, thoughts of what Magnus might be doing just above him driving him crazy. He was drawn to him unlike anyone he had ever known before.

The door closed behind Magnus and Alec stepped out onto the balcony for some much needed fresh air. He had the feeling that another sleepless night was on the cards, but what would it be this time? Disjointed visions of memories he couldn't possibly have or fantasies of the man with the beautiful eyes that he couldn't get out of his mind.

X X X

Magnus peppered soft kisses up Alec's chest, hands resting on either side of Alec's body as he stopped to place kisses to his neck. Alec's hands tangled into Magnus' hair as he tipped his head back, a soft moan escaping his lips as Magnus rocked his hips against his own...

' _Ok_ ' ….Alec work up with a start... It was going to be one of _those_ nights.

Of the choices he had, waking up to fantasies... _memories?_...no fantasies of Magnus all over him was better than screaming himself awake with some kind of creature trying to rip him to pieces but the lack of sleep was taking it's toll.

Alec pulled himself away from his sweat soaked sheets and headed for the kitchen. Downing his glass of water he ran a tired hand through his hair and lay back in his bed, stuck half way between awake and asleep. He felt the ghost of someone's presence at his side as his eyes dropped closed...

" _You're not the only one that's vulnerable..."_

" _When things get crazy, don't push me away..."_

" _I told you things I've never told anyone..."_

" _I can't have both..."_

"I love you too," Alec whispered to himself as he imagined Magnus saying the words, sleep taking him soon after.


	7. Chapter 7

"Alec? Are you home?" Magnus called, one foot inside Alec's open front door. If anyone asked he would strongly deny that his heart had lurched inelegantly to the floor at the sight of the usually saftey conscious Alec's door left ajar.

"Oh hey," Alec called, poking his head around the balcony corner where he had been all along just out of sight. Magnus let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and hoped that it had gone unnoticed. "Oh shit... Did I leave the door open?" Alec asked realising what he must have done, "Sorry, I had my hands full and just kicked it closed. I'll be more careful."

"No need to apologise," Magnus answered getting his emotions under control, still hovering in the doorway. Yes he owned the place but this was Alec's space and he wouldn't dream of intruding uninvited.

"God... um, come in... sorry... come in," Alec stammered, flustered as he realised his bad manners.

Magnus tensed slightly, he was sick of hearing Alec apologise, no matter how lightheartedly. He was in this situation because of a mistake Magnus had made. Magnus was the one that needed to apologise this time, and for so much than their current predicament.

Magnus raised an eyebrow at Alec's still sparse loft, for some reason Alec still didn't have any furniture despite having been there a few weeks. They'd seen each other in the halls a few "accidental" times but baring that Magnus had tried to keep a restrained distance so as not to overwhelm Alec's now mundane brain with too much at once.

"Not planning on staying?" Magnus half-joked, scared of the answer but masking it with a suave smile.

"Yeah of course I am?" Alec replied, "Oh right um... furniture...I bought a bed, the rest will have to wait a while."

Alec instantly regretted saying the word bed in Magnus' presence as he felt a flush rising in his cheeks. It wasn't his fault alright, Magnus looked especially hot today. He'd opted for a slightly toned down casual look, a dark red henley showing off the barest slivers of his chest, which was adorned with a multitude of different necklaces. His black slacks hugging his hips just right, a pair of suspenders hanging casually from his waist. Alec marvelled at how Magnus made it look effortless and knew that this particular outfit would be making an appearance on dream Alec's bedroom floor that night.

Clearing his throat as casually as he could Alec stepped out onto the balcony, he needed some air. Magnus joined him and they enjoyed the view in silence for a few moments.

"You know I have furniture I could lend you if you want." Magnus offered,

"You've done more than enough," Alec smiled gratefully, "besides I have this outdoor set my old neighbour gave me... she always used to joke that I used to spend more time outside than in."

"Really?" Magnus was intrigued, he'd never really thought of Alec as an out-doorsy kind before.

"Yeah, I guess I like the freedom of it... if that makes any kind of sense."

Magnus just smiled in response as he took in the relaxed slope of Alec's shoulders as he talked about it. "Well there's more space up on the roof..."

"The roof?" Alec said, voice distant and thoughtful as he pictured it in a minute detail that by rights he had no business knowing. "I bet that's nice."

"It is," Magnus agreed, "You're welcome to use it... whenever you want." Alec clearly wasn't getting his vague offerings so it was time to be more explicit... to spell it out to him, as it were.

"No I couldn't," Alec declined politely, "that's _your_ space, I don't want to intrude..."

"I wouldn't have offered it was an intrusion Alexander," Magnus' voice softened as the name slipped out against his will.

"Ok sure... I'll check it out," Alec said, not really sure that he actually would. The only access to the roof was through Magnus' place and he didn't want to disturb him every time he needed a breather. He had his own balcony after all, how much more space did he really need... although the thought of sharing a space that he knew would be so uniquely Magnus piqued his interest more than he would admit.

Magnus sensed Alec's unrest and realised instinctively what was on his mind. Alec didn't want to be a burden... this version of Alec didn't know that nothing would ever be too much for Magnus to do where he was concerned. Magnus surveyed Alec's profile carefully and wondered, had _Alexander_ known that either? Had he done enough to prove that to him before the whole world went to hell?

Magnus clenched his jaw and held back a sigh as a bitter thought filled his mind. Even if Alexander _had_ ever known that, Magnus had almost certainly ripped that feeling away when he'd left him in an Institute hallway, tears streaming from his eyes.

"There's access to the roof from your fire escape," Magnus said, chasing that thought away with a burst of magic behind his back that Alec's turned face couldn't see. " So... even if I'm not home, just go on up whenever you want."

Alec looked over toward the fire escape with a puzzled brow, "Huh, how did I miss that?" he laughed to himself before approaching the ladder.

"Go ahead," Magnus encouraged as Alec's hand stalled on the rung asking permission. The light catching Alec's face as he smiled ripped Magnus to the core. God he missed waking up to that smile.

He followed Alec up the ladder almost tripping over him, Alec had stopped just short of the ledge and was taking everything in.

"Everything ok?" Magnus asked, voice steeped with hope at the thought that some small memory might have returned.

"Uh yeah... just got a serious case of de ja vu," Alec said running a hand through his hair, "It's been happening a lot lately."

"Oh... really?" Magnus feigned ignorance as he busied himself with anything but looking at Alec. He couldn't hide the disappointment in his face and Alec didn't need to see that.

"It's a great view from here," Alec deflected,

"Yes it is," Flirtation dripped from every word like honey as Magnus fought to change his own mood.

Alec flushed knowing that Magnus wasn't talking about the city below. He looked Magnus in the eye, emboldened by the compliment, a heady wanting in his eyes meeting Magnus' own. Magnus was shocked by the reciprocation his seemingly harmless comment had stirred. He had steered the on to dangerous ground. Alec wasn't himself, he didn't understand why this couldn't happen...not like this.

Magnus had no right to want what he wanted, he had to be the one to put a stop to this before it started, before they ended up in a bigger mess than they already were.

"Stay as long as you want," he rushed out in one breath as he retreated, heart pounding in his ears.

Alec deflated instantly at the rejection, he'd really thought for a minute that maybe Magnus felt something for him too.

_'You have no clue what I feel'_

_'And even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you?'_

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Alec braced himself against the wall as the visions passed. This was happening more and more and had him questioning his own sanity. He could only blame it on the lack of sleep for so long.


	8. Chapter 8

"So how are you holding up?" Izzy asked as he she joined Magnus in Alec's office. They were still at war and every time Magnus came in for the Downworld Council meetings, now led by Jace, he made a stop to Alec's now unused office before he left. He was sitting at Alec's desk, stroking his hand against the smooth surface when she found him.

"Isabelle," he smiled, but without it reaching his eyes, "I'm fine, thank you,"

"You know, I don't think either you or my brother actually know what that word means." She perched on the edge of the desk, Magnus' shoulders falling as he let down the facade.

"It's like I'm losing him all over again,"

Izzy leant forward and took Magnus' hand, "Magnus I love you and I don't mean to be blunt but you hardly _lost_ him. He didn't go anywhere, he was here every day putting on the same brave face you are...waiting for you to love him again."

Magnus recoiled at the thought, breath catching in his throat, "I _never_ stopped loving him Isabelle...never."

"I know," she comforted, "and I'm not trying to blame you for any of that, this stupid war is a shitty situation for everyone. ….You both love each other, why not try to work things out... when he's back to his old self I mean."

Magnus appreciated her certainty that Alec would return to them the way he was before, sadly, he didn't match that enthusiasm. There had been fleeting moments of recognition but largely, Alec remained the ghost of his former self and it broke Magnus' soul every time he saw it, knowing it was his fault.

"One thing at a time," Magnus stood from the table to make his exit and looked back at her fondly. He valued her friendship in these moments more than he could say.

"Don't blame yourself for this," she said seeing through the finely crafted veneer he showed to the world, "Alec wouldn't want that."

"This is _my_ fault Isabelle, who else should bare the blame but me?"

"The Seelie Queen for starters..." Izzy scorned, " _She_ did this, not you."

"She only did it because I made the mistake of trusting her...she's using Alec to punish me …. I can't allow that to happen again." Magnus justified,

"Don't do _that_ either," Izzy warned, elaborating at Magnus' questioning face, "use what's happening here to distance yourself from Alec further. He's not a child, he doesn't need you to "push him away for his own protection" or whatever it is you think you're doing."

Magnus wallowed in the words momentarily, Izzy was right of course. Alec was the Head of the New York Institute for goodness sake, he could make his own choices.

"I'll take the advice on board," Magnus said formally, armour back in place as he left the room with a courteous smile.

"By the angel," she said head in hands, "they'll be the end of me."

X X X

"Here again?," Magnus had returned from the Downworld Council and retreated straight to the roof knowing that he would probably find Alec there.

"I can go," Alec said quickly. He knew he'd overstay his welcome eventually.

"You don't have to take everything I say as a reproach you know," Magnus replied, not schooling his tone fast enough. The residual guilt from his conversation with Izzy coming out terse and cold. "You're always apologising," he continued, warming his tone in an apology of his own.

"Yeah well maybe I have a lot to apologise for..." Magnus froze, in that moment he could have sworn he was talking to Alexander again. He knew the pain in that voice, the pain he had put there.

_'I'm not good at apologies,'_

_'I should have told you about the Soul Sword'_

_'You never have to prove yourself to me'_

Alec clutched his head, overpowered by an onslaught of fresh apparitions. They had become increasingly frequent and he couldn't take this anymore, he was losing his mind.

"Alec, what's wrong?" Magnus said rushing to his side, holding him by the shoulders to steady him.

"I think there's something wrong with me," Alec whispered brokenly. Magnus shuddered at the frailty in Alec's scared voice.

 _'There's_ _ **nothing**_ _wrong with you,'_ Alec clenched his eyes shut as Magnus' words reached his ears without having been spoken.

"It's ok Alexander," Magnus soothed, rubbing Alec's back and pulling him into a hug before lowering them both on to the day bed.

They sat in silence, Alec's head on Magnus' shoulders. Magnus didn't need to ask for an explanation and Alec was too exhausted to wonder why Magnus wasn't more curious. Somewhere along the way they fell asleep, Alec curled into Magnus' side, wrapped inside his arms where the world couldn't reach him anymore. Their hands entwined and to an outside observer the scene was one of a happy couple, relishing each other's warmth but the truth was a much colder reality.

Alec stirred first as the rising sun glinted off the ledge, glancing his eyes briefly. He extricated himself carefully from Magnus' arms, thankful that he didn't wake him. Alec could trudge back to his place in unobserved embarrassment. What must Magnus think of him?

X X X

Shaking the stiffness from his shoulders Alec ran the shower, pausing to look at his own reflection as the water warmed. He blinked and rubbed his eyes as someone he didn't recognise looked back at him. The face was the same but the look was stern, a thick black tattoo reaching from the collar of the stranger's shirt resting just under his jawline.

 _"Emotions are nothing but a distraction_ " the mirage told him firmly,

Alec gaped at the sight before him as it faded away to reveal himself underneath, eyes haggard and weary. It was in that moment that he knew he couldn't do this anymore. The dreams he could explain, he was infatuated with Magnus, it didn't take a genius to work that one out... but the constant feeling of de ja vu, the fragments of someone else's life, that wasn't normal and he couldn't brush that under the carpet anymore.

He needed to see someone about this before he was too far gone to separate reality from fantasy.


	9. Chapter 9

Alec's hand shook as he put pen to paper. He couldn't remember the last time he'd written a letter by hand, if he ever had.

" _Jesus Christ, what are you 12? It's not a love note, just get on with it'_

Alec took comfort in the fact that the internal voice chiding was Actually supposed to be there this time but he still wanted to tell it to go to hell all the same.

He'd called in sick to work and holed himself up in the loft since the 'incident'. Magnus had knocked his door a couple of times but seemingly had given up when his attempts were ignored. In reality, Magnus had cast the occasional magical eye down through the floor. Not long enough to actually call it spying but enough to reassure himself that Alec was safe and just needed space.

Alec had decided on a letter because he knew the second he saw Magnus he'd turn into a rambling idiot. He'd embarrassed himself already, the letter seemed like a safer option. Taking a deep breath he let the words flow from his mind and reach the paper in his bold, yet careful, handwriting.

X X X

Magnus heard the soft patter of bare feet at his door and waited for a knock. Centuries of life hadn't taught him patience so far, but he was trying. Sinking slightly when the sound didn't come, he peered at the letter on his floor in curiosity.

He held it in his hands with a loving reverence , soaking in the last few specks of Alec's aura that clung to the paper. Running a finger beneath the seal he took a deep breath and braced himself.

**Magnus,**

**I wanted to say thank you for staying with me the other night. I can't explain what happened or why, but I'm working on figuring it out.**

**I know we don't really know each other all that well but I trust you and I'm grateful to you for looking out for me the way you have. It means a lot.**

**You might not see me around for a while, I need to get my head together and I just wanted you to know that it's not personal and I'll see you around when I'm in a better place.**

**Thanks again,**

**Alec**

Magnus stroked his fingers over the words before fixing himself a drink. He was both pleased and terrified by the content of the letter.

Alec was struggling with his reality that much was for sure. The thought that he might be coming back to them almost made Magnus' heart burst with joy, but knowing the torment it must be causing Alec deflated him just as fast.

Letting the liquor dampen his senses, Magnus resolved to put on a face brave enough to confront this dilemma ...in the morning.

**x x x**

Alec had been in therapy for a few weeks when he next heard from Magnus, he was no closer to understanding where his delusions were coming from, but he was able to cope with them a little better when they did.

He smiled as he peeled the vibrant envelope off the outside of his door, he'd just finished a shift at the club, Magnus must have put it there knowing it would be the first thing to greet him when he got home that morning.

Sitting on his new couch he read:

_**Alexander,** _

_**You are cordially invited to brunch on the roof terrace tomorrow.** _

_**Yours, Magnus** _

Alec smiled at Magnus' iconic flare for the dramatic before an intense feeling of guilt turned his stomach.

' _I'm just asking for a strand of hair, let's not be over-dramatic.'_

_'Well I wouldn't want to be over-dramatic... Get out'_

"1, 2, 3..."Alec counted to 10 and breathed deeply as he let the feeling pass. Stretching out on the cool leather he tried to analyse what this fiction could mean. It was his therapist's advice. Alec had never been one for an over-active imagination and his doctor had reasoned that these illusions must be some kind of coping mechanism . A way of processing elements of Alec's physical life that he was struggling to deal with.

Alec had to admit that he didn't really buy that explanation, all his visions centred on Magnus and he certainly had no problem understanding why that might be. Sure, he'd been repressed about being gay at first but he'd gotten over that a long time ago so it just didn't make sense. Why would he even want a strand of Magnus' hair anyway...

Closing his eyes he decided to rest for a minute before he tried to figure this one out.


	10. Chapter 10

Alec was woken by a gentle but insistent knocking. It wasn't Magnus' and he didn't really know anyone else in the neighbourhood so needless to say he was intrigued.

"Ugh hi?" he rubbed his eyes sleepily so he could focus on the woman at his door. He recognised her from that first time Magnus had bought his friends to the bar but her name escaped him.

"Hey," she said cheerfully, "Magnus just wanted to check if you got his invitation?"

Izzy chose to keep back the part where Magnus was currently pacing a hole in the roof. Alec was late to brunch, he wouldn't admit that he was scared he'd been stood up but she could read him like a book.

"Brunch... wait that's today?..."

 _'Shit, how long was I asleep?'_ Alec asked himself, he hadn't had a full nights sleep in weeks, let alone a full day and night in a row. Typical it would happen when he needed to be somewhere.

"Yeah I did...uh... crap I guess I overslept... just give me half an hour to freshen up and I'll be there...shit, sorry."

"Sure," Izzy smiled at her brother's awkwardness, she had missed him terribly.

X X X

Alec felt vaguely human again after his shower, but wished he'd chosen a different outfit, climbing the fire escape in his new sky blue button down and jeans was no easy task. He'd wanted to look nice when he met Magnus again for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Hey, sorry I'm late" he called to the group. They parted quickly at the sound of his voice, all eyes locking on him. He got the feeling that he had interrupted something and squirmed under their gaze.

"Looking sharp," the blond called over to him approvingly.

The red head smiled politely and took a seat next to the brunette who gave him a friendly wink. Magnus on the other hand just stood stock still, eyes locked on Alec intensely. Alec could feel a heat rising up his chest at the gaze and couldn't tear his own away. There was a chemistry there that neither could deny.

"Uh hum" The blonde coughed indiscreetly, breaking their connection. Alec flushed and cleared his throat looking away.

"Champagne?" Magnus asked equally affected by their reunion. He had missed Alec more than he could say but the overriding sensation in his body was lust. Alec had taken his breath away once again.

"I'm not much of a drinker," Alec politely refused,

"No?" Magnus asked fondly, remembering the series of upturned faces Alec had pulled whenever he had tried something new. " A bar tender who doesn't drink, interesting?"

"I'm not much of a bar tender either," Alec quipped, the self deprecation clearly a joke this time. Magnus was relived to hear laughter in Alec's voice, he was in a better place than when last they'd met.

They caught each other's eyes again sharing an unspoken conversation, the air turning thick. "So Magnus, you introducing us or what?" the blond interrupted again, he seemed to have an uncanny knack for that.

"Of course...forgive me" Magnus flourished, " Alec these are my friends, Jace, Isabelle and Clary." he pointed each one out in turn. They all missed Alec as much as Magnus did and they thought it was time that they coaxed him back out of his fortress of solitude, maybe seeing a few other familiar faces would help. They'd glamoured their runes so they would appear as normal as possible though, best to start off slowly.

"Hi," Alec waved kind of lamely in response, he was nervous.

They all stood in awkward silence for a minute, none of them wanting to test the water first.

"So uh, you guys do this often or is this a special occasion?" Alec took a seat next to Izzy when they finally made a move, he felt at ease around her.

"Alec you offend me... if this was a special occasion I would have dressed up!" Magnus teased,

"I'm pretty sure you couldn't dress down if you tried," Alec smiled, taking in the view appreciatively. Today Magnus wore a deep blue silk shirt, co-ordinated with a patterned waistcoat, neck scarf and shock of blue in his hair.

"Flatterer." Magnus replied, unable to stop the husky flirtation that overcame his voice. He'd warned himself against this but he found he couldn't stop.

The trio of Shadowhunters shared a knowing look. Alec may not remember who he was but if his reaction to Magnus was anything to go by, he was still very much in there.

X X X

"Damn sorry," Alec said, standing to take a call and walking towards the roof ledge for privacy.

Brunch had quickly dissolved into pre-dinner drinks, the sun hanging low in the sky. He felt an easy camaraderie with his new companions, but maybe that was just the few champagne's he'd finally allowed himself to have.

"Everything ok?" Izzy asked as Alec rejoined the group.

"Yeah, just one of the other bartenders called in sick, so I've gotta go," Alec explained apologetically.

"Stay," Magnus encouraged languidly, "I'm sure I could conjure up another pair of hands to help at the bar."

Clary couldn't contain her tipsy giggle at Magnus' deliberate double meaning. Alec looked between the two clearly not getting the joke.

"Hey, I'll have you know I don't shirk my responsibilities thank you very much," Alec admonished in mock seriousness.

"No, you don't," Magnus agreed seriously before choosing his next words carefully. He knew what he was about to say was brazen but he wanted so badly to trigger something in Alec's mind.

"Go do your job bartender... I'm not going anywhere."

The momentary change in Alec's expression told Magnus that he had struck a chord. He felt somewhat guilty for the inner upheaval he knew he was causing but he was desperate. He needed that recognition more than he needed air.

 _'You can't have him back either way,'_ Magnus' mind chided, ' _You can't have_ _ **both**_ _...remember'_

Alec backed away with a half hearted "Bye" and silently counted to 10 as he climbed down the fire escape. It would have been easier to take the stairs down through Magnus' place, but he found he couldn't bring himself to do it. The action too familiar in the scariest way.


	11. Chapter 11

It was Magnus' turn to be haunted by memories that night as he lay under his red sheets alone, arm stretched out over the empty space where Alec belonged.

_'They're beautiful …. you're beautiful.'_

_'I'm just kidding'_

_'Were you really afraid I was gonna go?'_

Alec's casual laugh flickered through the air around him and he felt his heart pick up speed as he remembered Alec's touch, soft yet commanding. Arousal sparked through Magnus as the memory turned heated. He allowed his eyes to shift as the electric remnants of that night coursed through him, bringing him to the brink of a pleasure he hadn't known since he had left Alec behind.

He glanced at the clock, just after midnight, Alec would be at Pandemonium for a few more hours yet.

With an unquenchable thirst to see him Magnus threw back the sheets and marched purposefully to his closet. Pandemonium would be getting an impromptu visit from it's illustrious owner tonight. He was walking into the lion's den by letting this temptation control him, but he was the lion he reminded himself, the den was _his_ to control.

X X X

Alec's poor heart leapt out of his chest as he caught sight of Magnus strutting down the Pandemonium stair case, quite literally like he owned the place. He was dressed to the nine's and then some, hair now styled in a larger than life mohawk, eyes lined heavily with black and his shirt slashed open to the waist. If Alec hadn't known he was gay before tonight, this ensemble would have confirmed any doubts.

Magnus oozed lust and danger with every step and it wasn't long before he had a crowd of onlookers following his every move.

"Drool's not a good look on you, Alec" Em said as she found the object of Alec's distraction.

If tonight's Magnus was sex personified than the Magnus who had given both he and his friend a job was heaven itself. Alec marvelled at how one person could be so many different things.

Magnus had placed a strong glamour on the club when the mundane and former Shadowhunter had come to work there. They wouldn't see anything they shouldn't and more importantly no-one would recognise Alec for who he used to be. His safety was paramount.

"Whatever," Alec blushed sullenly, stealing glances back at Magnus whenever he could.

"Oh, lighten up, you're too easy to mess with," Em laughed, hugging Alec's arm, "Look, I mean, damn I get it... If guys were my thing you'd have a fight on your hands."

"He's not interested in me like that," Alec downplayed. Sure Magnus flirted with him and there had been a connection between them on the roof tonight, but Alec got the impression that 'flirt' was Magnus' default setting so it didn't really count.

"Oh yeah right...my mistake, he just hands out apartments and jobs to all the cute boys." Em teased, "He wants you bad..."

Alec felt his blush deepen as desire pooled within him at the thought and looked back over to Magnus, this time catching his eye. The fire he found in them turned his knees to jelly and he was glad he had the bar to lean on.

"You want him too, admit it... you like the mysterious ones."

"He's not being cryptic, he's being coy," Alec recited absently,

"What?" Em reacted to the very un-Alec thing to say, "and I said mysterious not cryptic."

"I uh, I don't know, I think it's something I heard once?" Alec said, too dazed by Magnus to realise it was another memory trying to break through.

Magnus dug his palms into his chair, he could hear every word and the thought of Alec remembering that moment, the fact that he hadn't denied wanting him too was threatening to tear through his resolve. He shouldn't have come here tonight, images of the first time he had lain eyes on Alec were too easily conjured within this place. He was still on edge from his unfulfilled dream and his control wouldn't hold out all night. This had definitely been a bad idea.

X X X

"Need a ride home?"

Magnus' voice startled Alec, he thought he was alone as he tidied around the now empty club. In truth he had been, Magnus had left hours ago, his nerves too painfully on edge to stay any longer, but he hadn't liked the idea of Alec travelling home alone... or that was the excuse he gave himself.

"Sure," Alec said, trying to hide the shock in his voice, "I just need to finish up a few things?"

"I'll wait," Magnus leaned against the bar and watched Alec work. It gave him time to figure out how they would actually get home. He'd neglected to factor that in when he had portalled himself there. Sending off a quick text he relaxed and admired the view.

Alec wore a simple white shirt and black slacks, standard attire for all his staff, but there was nothing standard about the way Alec pulled it off. He'd rolled the sleeves up to his elbows, out of the way, and the neon club lights cast a warm red glow over his skin. Magnus yearned to reach out and touch...

' _No_ ' he told himself. He couldn't take advantage of the situation, touching was out of bounds.

"Ok, I'm ready," Alec said, pulling Magnus back to reality.

"The car's waiting out front," Magnus held out an arm to lead the way.

"Nice!" Alec said, taking in the sleek black town car in front of them.

Magnus held the door open for him, gesturing for him to scoot over to the far side, so he could slide in next to him, "Well, I'm glad you approve."

A loaded tension filled the car as they travelled in silence, each taking stolen glances that were cut short when the other met their eyes. There was an intense energy buzzing back and forth between them and neither could relax. They wanted each other and both somehow knew that now, one way or another, before the night was over, something was going to give.

X X X

Alec waited by the elevator as Magnus discussed something with the driver. He could just as easily gone straight up to his apartment, and he had a feeling that's what Magnus was giving him time to do by stalling outside. He was giving him an out, an opportunity to end the night there and then,...but Alec waited.

A mixture of relief and fear washed over Magnus as he saw Alec waiting for him, calmly standing his ground in front of the elevator.

 _'Don't do this Magnus'_ his head warned him.

Wordlessly he ignored his instincts and joined Alec in the elevator, his heart skipping several beats as Alec pushed the button to his own floor but not Magnus'...an unspoken invitation.

Alec couldn't hear the sound of the elevator over his own beating heart, it felt like it was going to charge out of his chest. He stepped out onto his floor not daring to look if Magnus had followed.

Magnus stood between the hall and the elevator, his hand holding the door open. His body trembling in anticipation.

 _'You can't do this,'_ his head scolded,

 _'I can't not,'_ his heart replied.

Realeasing his grip he stepped out, stepping inches behind Alec's back, causing him to fumble his keys as Magnus' breath tickled his neck.

_'Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath'_

Alec turned and leant against the locked door, head tipped back slightly by Magnus' proximity. Magnus placed a hand on either side of the door, holding Alec gently in place, not that he could bring himself to move anyway.

Alec felt the warmth of Magnus' breath against his cheek as they moved ever closer and trailed a hand loosely up Magnus' abs to his chest, feeling the softness of his skin. Magnus rested his forehead against Alec's, savouring the touch, breathing Alec in. His right hand left the door to cup Alec's face, lips just inches away, his whole body pressing Alec into the door now as Alec flattened one hand to his chest, the other holding gently on to his hip...

And that's when he saw it...

That same look of determination in Alec's eyes from the first time they had kissed, for Alec, this was that first time all over again. Pulling back before their lips met, Magnus sighed, "I'm sorry... I can't do this."

"What?...I..."Alec stuttered, his hands now left empty, "Am I doing something wrong?"

Magnus died a little at the words, that lack of recognition the worst 'I told you so,' he could have gotten. "No such thing." His voice cracked on each word before he squared his shoulders and stood firm, "it's not you..." He cut the cliche off but it was too late, the damage was done.

"It's complicated ... We can be friends," Alec churned out coldly as he turned his back to Magnus unlocking the door. The coldness masking genuine pain, but a pain that felt too deep for what this moment was. Magnus didn't owe him an explanation, it was just one almost kiss...so why did Alec feel this so acutely.

"Alec...I," Magnus was cut off as the door closed firmly in his face.

_''Damn, that's what that feels like '_

Feeling utterly ashamed of himself, Magnus withdrew to his penthouse. How was he going to fix this new mess he had made?


	12. Chapter 12

 

"Magnus...hi!" Alec spluttered, voice almost a falsetto as they all but collided in his doorway. Magnus' hand was still poised to knock as Alec almost barrelled into him.

Magnus lowered his hand and took a step back, straightening his still pristine shirt for something to do with his hands. "You've been avoiding me." The words were blunt but didn't hold any heat to them.

"No... I uh was... You know... Work ... Busy...no I haven't." Alec stuttered gesticulating widely.

Magnus had to bite back a smile at the familiar trait. He kind of loved making Alec lost for words. "I haven't seen you in days and when I did it was the back of your head as you deliberately walked the wrong way to your floor so you wouldn't have to pass me."

"Yeah well," Alec floundered, arms folded as he leaned a hip against the door frame.

"Alec... I just came to apologise for..." Magnus waived his hand in the air, as if the memory would spring from it without him having to actually say the words...'almost kissing you.'

"No need, I understand."

 _'oh but you don't'_ Magnus wanted to cry out.

"I guess I should apologise too.. I overreacted." Alec unfolded his arms, taking down one barrier at a time. Alec shrugged his shoulder gently to indicate that he didn't know what to do here. They just stared each other down silently. Mon agnus folded one arm around his waist and rubbed his mouth with his hand, trying to find the right words. Nothing short of the truth was good enough but he couldn't give it.

Magnus leaned back, pivoting on his heel as a sign that he meant to leave. Alec felt a cold dread seep into his bones at the thought that this was it, that he might lose his chance to tell Magnus how he felt.."

'O _n every mission I've ever been on, I've never felt that type of fear...Magnus I...I love you._ '

"Magnus wait," Alec called out, Magnus had started to walk away while he was trapped in his daydream, "Magnus I ...I like you."

The blood froze in Magnus' veins as Alec's voice and cadence matched that historic moment in their relationship, the diluted words stung sharply.

"I like you too," he felt almost sick lessening the moment this way, but Alec wasn't to know.

Alec reached out, holding the underside of Magnus' forearm for fear he would run from him. "I'd like to see if this could be something." He confessed.

"So would I." Magnus moved Alec's hand back and placed it against Alec's own chest, before covering it with his own. "But I'm not in a place where I can do that right now. I'm sorry... I shouldn't have led you on the way I did, it was unfair."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Alec said kindly, if anyone understood not being in the right head space it was him. He released Magnus' hand and they stood in front of each other, strangers once more. "How about we start again and see where it goes."

"I'd like that," Magnus accepted the gesture but he knew now, more than ever, that he would never walk that fine line again. He would be the best friend that Alec had ever had if that's what it took, but until it was Alexander's eyes looking back at him again it would go no further.

_**x x x** _

Magnus listened for any sounds of Alec moving downstairs. Since their difficult door way conversation they had largely kept to themselves. Magnus didn't trust himself not to break despite recent his assertion that they could be friends but he couldn't avoid Alec forever if they wanted to stand any chance of ever getting Alexander back.

Magnus didn't know what excuse he would could up with for accidentally running into him but he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

"Oh Alec? What a surprise" Magnus said feigning shock as he rounded the corner of Alec's floor.

"Magnus," Alec blushed, he'd just woken up from a particularly _memorable_ dream and was sure Magnus must be able to tell. But Alec had figure if dreams were all he was going to get he might as well put some effort into them.

 _'I'm all for effort_ '

Alec closed his eyes for the briefest of moment, choosing to ignore his ever present and ever frustrating inner voice more often than not these days.

"Doing some laundry?" Magnus asked, stating the obvious really as Alec stood there laundry bag in hand.

"Ugh yeah," he replied awkwardly. They hadn't really mastered the art of small talk that didn't have flirtatious undertones yet.

"I'll help." Magnus said brightly,

Alec laughed and relaxed, "Um, no offence Magnus but uh, I've seen your clothes. I dread to imagine how much that shirt alone cost you. You don't strike me as the kind of guy that does laundry."

"Well no," Magnus agreed, albeit not for the reasons Alec suspected. Magic had many benefits, "but perhaps I could keep you company."

"Sure," Alec smiled, "speaking of company. I saw Izzy and the others on my floor last night when I got home. Were they going to some kind of rave or something... they had some pretty interesting ink going on?" Alec stopped as Magnus froze in place, "I didn't mean to be rude..."

"You saw them?" Magnus asked. The only time Alec had seem them before they had been glamoured their runes to keep them hidden from him. They had no need to do that when they made their late night patrols but Alec shouldn't have been able to see them at all, let alone their runes.

"Yeah, but it's no problem" Alec backpeddled, afraid that Magnus thought he was complaining about the lateness of the hour, "it doesn't bother me. Just forget I said anything."

"No, no, Alec. I have asked them to be more considerate about the hours that they keep. I'll speak to them." Magnus covered, offering no explanation as to why they were there and what the tattoos meant. Alec waited but Magnus clearly wasn't going to continue so he thought better than to ask.

"How about we take a trip up to my place?" Magnus asked trying to change the subject., "Laundry can wait. I'm no bartender like yourself but I do make a mean cocktail..." If Alec was seeing things he shouldn't be able to that meant that his brain was likely more Shadowhunter than mundane now... That he might be able stand that little extra push in the right direction.

"Sure, why not. After all the times I've waited on you I'll let you do something for me for a change."Alec joked, a strange sensation passing over him at that thought, as though what he'd said was wrong somehow... backwards. Flashes of recollection sparked in his mind and disembodied words filled the air.

" _There's a greater demon on the loose. I need …."_

" _Magnus, I know I have no right to ask for favours but..."_

" _Izzy located the rift..."_

"Something wrong?" Magnus asked cutting off the flood of memories abruptly as Alec counted under his breath unable to ignore it this time.

"No, no... let's go?" Alec said, he had to get out of there. He was still uneasy about being in Magnus' space but maybe the change of scenery would clear his head.

X X X

"Well here we are, Chez Magnus," Magnus joked as he opened the door with an exaggerated flourish... by hand. Not being able to use magic around Alec was difficult but he'd become accustomed to it.

Alec nodded in approval taking in the surroundings. Why had he avoided coming here for so long... it was just an apartment.

"Oh you moved the blue chair," he said unthinking, pointing to the chair's new corner position.

"Yeah," Magnus replied automatically, "I needed a change..." he stalled, confused eyes meeting Alec's own as he turned, the significance of that statement registering with them both. This hadn't been what he'd intended by bringing Alec here, he'd intended to teat out old memories one at anime until something stuck... This was too soon.

"How did I know you moved the blue chair Magnus?" Alec asked, fear and uncertainty in his voice, as more memories assaulted him. Images of Magnus sitting at his desk, a kiss on the balcony, holding Magnus in his arms on that very chair. He tried his breathing exercises but the constant barrage of memories was overpowering him..."I've never been here before..."

"Alec, just relax," Magnus said approaching and taking Alec by the shoulders. He could tell that Alec wanted to bolt straight for the door. He was terrified and confused and Magnus knew making him stay wasn't fair but they were on the verge of a breakthough.

"I need to get out of here," Alec whispered, "I think I'm going crazy... I have to go..."

Alec gripped a table to steady himself, eyes locking on a strip of photo's tucked into a painting, his own face looking back out at him. "How... that's us...what?..."

Magnus cast his arm to the side ascAlec made a move to run and the door slammed shut with a flash of blue.

"What...what did you...what are you doing... I can't ….breathe..." Alec clutched his chest and fell to his knees as his brain revolted against him. Mixing together old and new, the real and the fake overwhelming his mind until the blackness overtook him and he lay limply in Magnus' arms.

"It's ok Alexander, I've got you... I'm here." Magnus whispered into Alec's hair as he cradled him."I'm here."


	13. Chapter 13

 

"How are we going to explain this all to him?" Jace asked frustrated, of all the ways they had discussed breaking the news, scaring it into him hadn't been part of the plan. "I can't believe you used magic Magnus, we agreed we'd let him set the pace."

"I'm well aware Jace, but given that you weren't here then I suggest you don't judge my actions..."

"Well, I'm just saying..." Jace sighed feeling guilty. He couldn't blame Magnus, didn't everyone revert to what they were used to when they were scared. "I just down know where we're supposed to start..."

"How about with... you're a Shadowhunter..." Alec's voice came from behind them, a hard edge to it that could only mean one thing... "I remember," he said, answering the unspoken question. He held up his arms, now adorned with runes again, as proof.

He couldn't meet the gaze of anyone in the room. It all just felt wrong, he was himself again, but he wasn't. He knew the past, he knew who he was, but he also remembered who he had been, if only for a short time, and how he wanted to be that Alec again.

Izzy ran to him, locking her arms around his waist, pulling him out of his own head. He held his sister tight as the normalcy of that action soothed him. "I can't be here." he pleaded into his sister's hair as he hugged her. Locking eyes with him she smiled sadly, and shared a knowing look with Jace.

Settling back into the military stance that was iconic of Alec the Shadowhunter, he forced his eyes to meet Magnus' who so far had been silent.

"Magnus..." Alec's voice caught in his throat, pained at the thought of how they'd been so easy and free in each other's company the last few months. How they could have had everything they wanted in that other life... "thank you for the apartment. I'll be out of your way tonight..."

"You're never in my way, Alexander" Magnus said, the name slipping unnoticed from his lips, hoping the olive branch he was offering was clear.

"I have to go," he said flatly, a sheen in his eyes that betrayed his cool exterior.

Magnus watched Alec walk down the hallway until he was completely out of sight, hoping with every step that Alec would turn around. When he finally stood there alone he took a deep breath and returned to his apartment. Consumed by an emptiness he had hoped never to feel again.

X X X

It had been a hard couple of weeks, but gradually Alec had re-adjusted back to his old life. He'd re-taken control of the Institute just a few days ago and things were starting to feel normal... well mostly anyway.

He still dreamt of Magnus every night, he could tell the fantasies from memories this time, and there was a healthy dose of both. He knew he owed Magnus more than the meagre thanks he had given him before running as fast he could from the loft, he just hadn't been able to work up the courage yet. He felt embarrassed that his want for Magnus had been so plain all those weeks when Magnus clearly still didn't want to be with him.

' _I'm not in a place where I can do that.'_ Magnus may as well have just repeated "I can't have both," and been done with it.

Now, standing here outside his door, he hesitantly drew his hand to knock, hoping this time he'd be let inside.

""Alec?" Magnus said surprised, he hadn't been expecting to see him. "What?" Magnus asked as a crooked smile crossed Alwc's face and he rolled his eyes.

"Alec," he said his own name, it sounded wrong, "I guess that's what you call me now..".Hey, it's a step above Shadowhunter so I'll take it," Alec added dryly.

Magnus opened his mouth to reply but found he didn't know what to say. He just took in the man standing at his door and tried to get the measure of who he was now.

He had the look of Alexander, standing tall like the soldier he was, a slight softness to his eyes that he only got when looking at Magnus, but he spoke like Alec, a carefree wit that Magnus was silently glad he hadn't lost.

Magnus took this all in as the silence encompassed them and he realised in that moment that Alec had always been both of these people, he remembered the untroubled laughter that had echoed from his bedroom the first time Alec had spent the night. Alec hadn't really changed when he'd lost his memories, he'd just lost the need to keep that other side of him so guarded.

"I was out of line when I called you that," Magnus apologised,

"No you weren't," Alec disagreed, "we'd been taking advantage of your magic for too long, I should have seen that sooner. You were right to call me out on it."

They stood awkwardly in the doorway, neither wanting to make the first move. Alec broke first. "Magnus," Alec said, clearing his throat and shifting his feet uncomfortably, remnants of the other Alec breaking through the stoic front, "I need to talk to you ...I mean, would it be ok if I came in... please?" he corrected. Hadn't he just said that they had demanded too much of Magnus in the past, that needed to change.

"Of course," Magnus said noting the change and swinging the door open wide. "How have you been?" he said, chiding himself for such an inane question, but he didn't know what else to say.

"Myself... for a change." Alec joked,

Magnus gave him a wry smile, "We never did have that drink," he said gesturing to the drinks cabinet. Alec showing up like this had caught him off guard and he felt like he was 10 steps behind and failing to catch up.

"No thanks," Alec waved off the offer, he needed a clear head. "I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did... when I was the other me."

He had wanted to say when I wasn't myself, but the truth was, he _had_ been himself, just with a few less weights on his shoulders.

"I know my previous actions would suggest otherwise Alec, but I _am_ always here if you need me." Magnus said,

"I know," Alec nodded, "Well, I just wanted to say thank you, it didn't seem right to do it over the phone, so I'll go..." Alec started towards the door when Magnus called his name.

"Alexander," Magnus voice cracked as he let each syllable ring out, "You have nothing to thank me for, this...everything that happened to you... what she put you through... that's all on me and I am _so_ sorry."

"It's ok," Alec smiled kindly, as he turned his back to leave.

"Don't do that," Magnus discouraged. Alec stopped in his tracks hoping that Magnus was asking him not to leave, but knowing that was too much to ask as Magnus elaborated. "Don't absolve me of what happened, you have a right to be angry with me."

"But I'm not," Alec explained, "We've both made mistakes, let's just leave them in the past where they belong... ok"? He added asking permission almost.

"Ok?" Magnus sighed, relief mixing with anticipation. They had reached some kind of common ground but there was still a gaping hole in it that they couldn't bridge. Magnus knew the ball was in his court now, he had been the one to walk away, if he wanted to fix this he had to be the one to speak up...but he was too terrified to find his voice.

"Right ... well, I'm leaving...thanks again and goodbye I guess." Alec said letting out a defeated breath before stilling in the doorway, shaking his head. "Ok look, I'm not good with words but I can't just leave it like this again...Magnus, I love you and... no, actually that's pretty much it really... I love you and I just need you to know that ok?..."

Magnus looked at Alec in awe, amazed by how, with a string of simple words and a matter of fact shake of his head he could say so much.

Alec wasn't asking for anything from him. He was telling him, "I understand how you feel," …. "I'm here no matter what happens next."... "I love you even if you don't love me back."

He was just letting Magnus know that he was loved, unquestionably. That was just the fact of the matter and it was Magnus' to do with as he wished. Magnus didn't know how he had been blessed with this love but he knew better than to let it go again.

Magnus smiled and stepped into Alec's space, reaching out to fix a collar that wasn't crooked, knowing that Alec would understand the moment he was recreating. Alec smiled and shook his head, smile stretching uncontrollably across his face as he realised what Magnus was doing.

"You're _great_ at words," Magnus beamed as he took in that smile. Keeping his hand on Alec's arm he caressed his shoulder with his thumb. "Myself on the other hand... I find that I'm suddenly at a loss...Alexander," he whispered, relishing in the contented breath Alec released at hearing it. "Alexander," he repeated, breathing it against Alec's lips, close enough to touch but holding back ever so slightly.

Closing his eyes he slid his hand up Alec's arms to cup his face, Alec melted into the touch. The last time Magnus had done this he had been saying goodbye, he opened his eyes briefly and shook that thought away. He closed the distance and tasted tears on Alec's lips, swallowing back his own as he pulled Alec close. He had his Alexander back and he would never let go again.


	14. Chapter 14

 

A light breeze dancing across his skin woke Magnus and he smiled reaching out for Alec, freezing when he found the bed empty and cold yet again.

 _'Please be outside, please be outside'_ he whispered the mantra to himself as he threw on a robe and went in search of his boyfriend.

"Hey, did I wake you?" Alec asked as Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist from behind. "Jesus, Magnus your heart is racing. What's wrong?"

"I thought you left," Magnus' voice was muffled, his head buried into Alec's chest now they faced each other.

Alec pulled Magnus into a desperate hug peppering kisses to his temple before whispering in his ear, "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

The rhythm of Magnus' heart steadily slowed as they held each other, "Come back inside, it's cold," Magnus whispered tugging gently on Alec's hand.

They settled back into bed, holding each other close. They had fallen into bed pretty much as soon as they had reunited, not wanting to waste time with words, but now that they lay there in the dark, the silence seemed full of words wanting to be spoken.

"Are you ok?" Alec asked, the feeling of Magnus' heart beating that hard still in his mind. He never wanted Magnus to think him not being there in the morning meant something that terrible again.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Magnus scooted closer and ran a hand down Alec's face. Alec caught it when it reached his cheek and moved to hold it against his chest.

"I'm serious Magnus, I know I'm the one that forgot everything but ... it can't have been easy being the one that was forgotten either, I'm..."

"Alec, I swear, if you apologise for that I'll..."

"You'll what?" Alec challenged warmly, a smile on his face.

""Never you mind," Magnus grinned, before pausing slightly, "It _was_ difficult and I was terrified at the thought that I would never get to speak to you again, the _real_ you... when I had so much I needed to say."

Alec placed a soft kiss to Magnus' lips and cradled the back of his head as they rested foreheads together, "You don't have to say anything Magnus," Alec reassured, knowing that he was referring to their previous fight.

"Yes I do," Magnus pulled back to look Alec in the eye, "I was wrong, I thought I had a choice to make, but the only one imposing that choice on me... _was_ _me_."

"And you usually give such great advice," Alec teased, letting Magnus know that all was forgiven. He'd meant what he said before, mistakes were made on both sides. It was the past and that was where it would stay.

Magnus let out a joyous laugh that he hadn't been able to muster in a long time and pulled Alec to him, kissing him long and deep. Alec shifted his weight so that he lay on top of him, knee nestled between Magnus' legs. "I love you," he kissed into Magnus' lips.

Magnus flipped them so Alec was beneath him now, hands pressed to his chest, "I love you too... in every life." Alec slid his hand to Magnus' neck and pulled his face back down to his, carding his fingers through Magnus' hair, his face now completely encompassed by Magnus' hands.

Alec chased Magnus' lips as he leaned back to remove his robe, throwing it haphazardly to the floor. Magnus laughed into the kiss as their lips were reunited, now sitting in Alec's lap, both of his hands pushing through his hair, his once perfect style now going in all directions. Magnus always looked great, but all messed up like this was how Alec liked him best. This was for him to see and no-one else.

Magnus closed the distance between them, pressing his finger tips into the muscles of Alec's back, head tucked in Alec's neck as he ran his hands down to his waistband. Alec squirmed away from the touch, ticklish and the sound that he let out could only be described as a giggle. "Not a word," he warned as he flipped them both back over, strong arms holding Magnus beneath him.

Magnus bared his neck in laughter at the look on Alec's face, the sound turning breathy when Alec placed wet kisses down his throat. The warmth seeped into Magnus' skin and he squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the shift overtake him.

"Look at me?" Alec asked softly, beaming as Magnus revealed his cat eyes slowly. "there you are...still beautiful."

Tears he'd been holding back flowed freely now, Magnus couldn't have been happier if he had tried. He ran his hands down Alec's back with a renewed fervour, palm flat, feeling every muscle, finally resting it in the small of Alec's back.

Soft kisses turned breathless and gentle touches took on new intensity as they got lost in each other completely. Holding each other close as the night met the morning, they were ready to take on this new life together.


End file.
